as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my being single is dangerous.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
