remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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