so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
