Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
