So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
where are my eyebrows?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
