He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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