I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
