im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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