Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
