If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
