I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
