Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
