So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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