I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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