Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
