This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
