weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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