dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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