Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
