I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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