I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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