listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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