I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
