hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
