this beer tastes like vomit already
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
