Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
