best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
