we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
