You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
