how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
