They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
