i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
