I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
