Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
