he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
