can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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