And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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