You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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