Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Rumble strips road head = magical
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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