Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
