Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
