I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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