note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
