I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
