You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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