I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
