He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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