you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
