she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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