i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
